The Last Will And Testement Of Emily Clayton (MS)

I, Emily Clayton (MS), certifying that I am of sound mind and body, do write this last will and testement of my own accord. These wishes are final, and to oversee that they are carried out I appoint Nowellelowele Mhuhni as my executor.

It is my will that I shall be accompanied to the next life by two dozen flasks of algae, a Trace 1300 GC/MS, and my most faithful undergraduate servants, interred alive in the customary fashion.

To Owen D’Elia, I leave my mother, may you care for her well.

To Nowelle, I leave our treasured assortment of sexual toys and tribute figurines, that she might remember the good times we had with them.

To Jake, I leave my jar full to the brim with creamy white goodness, with instructions to continue where I left off, and to stir regularly in order to prevent infestation.

To Kendall, I leave 8 pennies and a gum wrapper.

To Ravi, I leave Luke's Kik. Better you than me.

To Pixel, my beloved hamster, I give freedom. I bequeath her $27 so that she might purchase a bus ticket, but from there it is my wish that she learn to make her own way in the world, as I did.

My hand trembles as I write these words, my friends. Even now I hear death’s whip in the distance, his chains around my neck, weighing me down, unable to mov…

Uhh yeah, sorry about that. Anyway, goodbye and good luck.